Streaming The Order

Netflix’s show The Order is the television equivalent of a sugar-laden, iced coffee drink – intriguing hints of original thinking and pacing, full of components that rely on your either not having a brain or deciding to turn it off while watching, and ultimately, a watered-down version of what you were hoping you were watching.

Two seasons. Twenty episodes. Witches. Golems. Werewolves. Magic. Drama. Cringe-inducing romance. Failed attempts at wit. Cults. Apocalypse. The Order packs a lot into the timeframe that it has, yet somehow generally manages to focus on the wrong things, turning a show full of amazing occurrences and people into a play-by-play of the romance between Jack & Alyssa, two of the most boring people you will ever meet, who take themselves way too seriously, and probably don’t eat enough food. [Warning: this post will be riddled with spoilers, so if you’re interested in watching the show and haven’t seen all of it, stop reading here.]

My biggest fault with this series is its’ insistence that we know all about how the relationship between Alyssa and Jack is evolving (or, in a few non-bile inducing scenes, not). These two characters are the worst ones in the show, which makes them the ones I want the least screen time with (except for a few episodes where Jack has amnesia, sort of, and is taken advantage of by someone infinitely prettier, smarter, and more fun), so to have their gross face-smacking and lustful stares thrust upon my poor, innocent eyeballs when I’m just trying to watch a TV show full of deadly, sexy beings, is the definition of cruel and unusual punishment.

Sometimes, Jack is not the most awful (definition: not boring to me, personally) character on the screen. Alyssa, on the other hand, is always either annoying or infuriating. Okay, first of all, why does every person she meet seem to be sexually attracted to her? Contrary to popular opinion, not everyone is yearning to go to bed with a thin blonde girl. To top that all off, she is self-righteous in that selfish way a lot of white people have. Like it’s not enough to be privileged by virtue of having been born into one of the European immigrant families the US favors, and it’s not enough to be the Aphrodite of campus. She also has to be the most, the best at whatever she’s chosen to be “her thing.” In this case, magic. She literally almost brings about the end of the world because her new lover is killed. The fact that her lover attacked and tried to kill someone else not only doesn’t matter, but Alyssa revises history to talk about how selfless she was, just innocently trying to provide equal access to everyone to something that is dangerous when not handled correctly. You know, like a guns-rights advocate handing out Uzis at an elementary school. Nothing wrong with that, dudes, because Alyssa is in love with this particular guns-rights advocate, so obvs, nothing bad will happen. Alyssa needs to learn that what she wants is not synonymous with what needs to happen.

It also just feels sometimes like the writers are running out of ideas. I think it’s really interesting how many different ideas they’ve smushed together, but then near the end of season 1, you’re thinking to yourself, Is there anyone out there who’s not a werewolf?! Am… Am I a werewolf? Like, yeah, it makes storylines more complicated, but it also makes it seem so much less likely that all of this supernatural stuff is secretly going on, and we mere mortals have never encountered it. Presumably, part of why we mere mortals don’t know about it is because it’s very rare. But then, it feels like 85% of campus is a freakin’ werewolf, and it’s like, c’mon. My credulity is being stretched too thin.

That’s… not the kind of rack I meant. Oh, Alyssa did this for you? What a surprise. No, I will not feel better if she sleeps with me; quite the opposite. Ew.

In summation: I may stop watching now, the main love storyline is so (sososososo*infinity) annoying, the writers need to stop making everyone a werewolf, and Alyssa’s character should just go away. Forever.

… And This is Why I Will Never Write for TV

Is anyone else still tired of the commercials for the Biggest Loser that bombarded us in January? This is where my mind went:

Pitch: The Biggest Loser, but, like, with thin people. The person who loses the most weight wins free treatment for his or her eating disorder… and possibly becomes the biggest loser of all, in a heartrending special episode that ends in a funeral.

#thinspiration

Fucking Xmas Commercials: Macy’s Likes Stranger Danger

Have you seen it yet? That commercial that Macy’s pretends is to be uplifting and “in the holiday spirit” that’s actually just… very odd, and probably trying to outdo the now-defunct Montgomery Ward’s red-nosed reindeer?

It begins with a girl who has a dream. You know how girls are – always wanting to be fucking Santa Claus. Because children don’t all, in their heart of hearts, really want to be amongst the recipients of presents. Because children aren’t, deep down, pretty much the psychopathic toddlers that used their parents as teether toys, shellacked with a thin veneer of propriety and good manners, using their wits and charm to get what they want.

And we’re supposed to feel sorry for her, because her peer group laughs at her. How dare they not support her dream of becoming a portly older gentleman who breaks into the home of strangers unannounced to leave them evidence of the type of person he deems them to be? Like, who doesn’t want to be observed by an unknown, unseen person and then receive gifts from them? It always seems to work out so well for celebrities, right? Just because this girl wants to become your stalker, and comes to school with a padded faux-pregnancy belly, and you’re a hormonal asshole of a middle schooler, you think it’s okay to mock her? Shame on you, middle school kids. This isn’t a sitcom, this is a fucking heartwarming commercial, and YOU ARE RUINING IT.

But, like, it’s okay. Luckily, this girl’s parents are rich and/or racking up credit card debt. They wrap their gas-guzzling truck with a myriad of tiny colored lights, and enable their daughter’s social ineptitude by playing along and asking “Santa” to hop in and bribe her classmates into pretending she’s not super weird. She gets a nod from a kid who can deign to be polite since none of his friends are around, and probably feels like she’s being a good person, when really, she should probably be in therapy.

Like… wtf, Macy’s?

The Stalker Who Emigrated to Netflix

I finally finished season 1 of the Netflix original You, and I don’t know if it’s very good, but I liked it.

I feel like the majority of the reason why I like it, or at least how it initially hooked my interest, is its’ similarity with another former guilty TV pleasure: Gossip Girl.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize how similar the two shows really are, with the storytelling via voice-over, extreme drama, some blonde bitch everyone’s got the hots for, and, of course, Penn Badgley.

#twinning

I defy you to watch this show and not think: “And then Dan Gilbert from Gossip Girl did what?!” Or think “Hm… Dan Gilbert’s looking a little anemic. He needs to get some sun.” Or even: “No, Dan Gilbert! Stalking is bad. Didn’t follwing Serena around like a kicked dog teach you anything?” It adds an umame-ish element to the show that, while difficult to define, is undeniably delicious.

#umame

As the show progresses, it also gets more interesting. More violence, more drama, more sex, more unrealistic relationships. For while this show begins with the wholly realistic premise that there are creepy guys in the world who could find out pretty much everything about you from your internet presence, this is not a realistic show. Just as campy as it’s sister-show GG, this show includes fantastic elements that are intended to be surreal and frightening. And for me, at least, it worked.

#campy

What about you? Have you seen the show, and if so, what are your thoughts? If not, do you intend to? Why or why not?